A shred of hope

Dang! This shredder was about to shred my income instead of the documents I was hired to destroy. I was halfway through when it started shaking and making noises like a cement mixer.

It didn’t seem to be an ordinary jam - I’m always very careful not to overload it. I looked at the casing and it was tightly sealed all around. I couldn’t get it open and didn’t want to break it. I was totally stymied.

So I did what I usually do when I get jammed: I set it aside and prayed. I asked Spirit, to help me see the next doable step.

The next day I decided to try to pry it open again. After about an hour wrestling with it, I finally got it open. I disassembled the mechanism and found a loose staple, which probably was the culprit. But I also found one of the gears was stripped. It was completely worn out.

At first I found myself saying, “I can’t afford to buy a shredder!” But money, as always, is just an excuse for something else. Sure, I could save up over several weeks and buy one, but I really needed it - and the income - now. Something besides money was the issue this time. I prayed about it some more.

I recalled that a man at a hardware store once told me: “Why do people buy drills? Not because they need drills. It’s because they need holes.”

Boing! I didn’t really need to own a shredder. I just needed to do some shredding. Lots of people have shredders. I don’t need to own one in order to use one.

Isn’t this true of so many things? While there is some stuff you really do need to own or rent, a lot of things you don’t. I'm blessed with a wonderful roommate/landlady who lets me use everything in her house. That means I don’t need to own many things, from kitchen appliances to home furnishings. The use of her garage has even spared me having to rent storage space.

I believe in a loving Creator of a universe full of goodness. Not shredders or drills or appliances - material things - but ideas for living usefully and happily. Translating those ideas into specific, worldly things may not be easy at first. But by staying calm in the assurance that good is ever-present, staying open to the likelihood that I will perceive a right solution, helps me to see that solution.

Even what we perceive as a need may not be what we actually need. I’m grateful for all the steps I had to take in order to learn that I don’t have to automatically go out and buy something when something breaks. Sometimes that is the right thing to do, but sometimes, maybe more often that we realize, there are alternatives uniquely appropriate for the situation.

It’s likely that sometime in the future I’ll purchase another shredder, but being able to borrow one was what I needed just then. I very quickly located someone who offered theirs for me to use – and assured me I can use it any time.

The shredding is all done now. And I didn’t have to buy anything. I’m grateful for yet another example of already having what I thought I lacked. (Hey, maybe I don’t need “a” job – maybe I just need to be attentive to all the good there is to do, and the infinite supply of ideas with which to do it! But “a” good job would be nice, too.)

No middleman

I’m holding $100 in my hand right now. Not a long time ago, I wouldn't have known where it came from. Now I do.

As a worker in transition, I’ve felt the crunch of not having regular paychecks lately. But I have bills to pay like everyone else. Money trickles in from little jobs I pick up here and there. I don’t use credit cards any more, but I still have an old balance to pay. But I couldn’t make the payment the other day because I didn’t have enough in my account.

I had some choices. I could hold back and wait to pay the bill till I earned more money, or ask to borrow the money from my roommate. I didn’t like either choice. Borrowing a large a sum of money from my roommate would set a pattern of relying on her for future bills. Likewise, not paying the bill, or paying it late, would mean the company would have reason to raise my interest rate, and naturally I didn’t want that.

I got quiet and was half expecting to hear the divine Accountant’s command, but I was surprised when instead it felt more like infinite Love answered the call. It was just this calm feeling that I had nothing to fear. Hmmm. No numbers. No directions. Just love.

About an hour later, some friends called with a computer problem and asked me if I could come down right away and fix it. You bet!

On my way, I was praying that it would be something I understood and I would be able to fix it and they’d be happy and pay me.

But try as I might, I couldn’t fix the problem. I’m not the Geek Squad! I kept praying.

After getting more information from the couple, we decided to call another tech who had worked on their computer recently. He assured us that he could come back and look at the machine again - his work was still under warranty and there’d be no additional charge.

Afterward, the couple and I talked over some other issues that were troubling them, and I gave them some suggestions they hadn’t thought of yet. They were so grateful for my help, they paid me much more than I would have charged them, paid for my dinner, and gave me an advance on some cat sitting I will be doing for them in the near future. This added up to what I needed to pay the bill. Exactly!

The next day as I was depositing my pay, I found myself wondering if I should make a partial payment that would allow me to keep a little cash in my pocket, or pay the whole thing and be left with zero in the account.

Zero in the account has always been a very scary thing for me. What about gas? What about food? Eeek!

But again, it was not some celestial bean-counter that answered. It was Love assuring me that all is well.

The idea came clearly to pay the entire bill, even if it meant a zero balance. If I had nothing to fall back on, I would have no choice but to trust divine Love to take total care of me.

This broke the assumption that I had to have a job in order to have an income in order to have security. But what if, in fact, the divine supply is always turned on?

Well, in fact, that was the point. I needed to trust God exclusively. I needed to let go of my fear, and trust to Love exclusively.

I paid the bill. This left me with a total of 3 cents in my account.

And amazingly, I don’t feel broke at all. I feel an unexpected joy and freedom.

I’ve never been in this kind of financial situation before. I like it. No middleman bank balance between me and my feeling of security this time. I don’t have any money to speak of, but I also don’t have any outstanding checks, no bills due for several weeks, and a few days before monthly fees would be taken out. Whoopee!

My roommate/landlady assured me she’s not going to kick me out, but other than that, financially I really don’t know what is going to happen next. But for the first time, I’m not afraid.

It’s just Love and me. And no middleman.

For the sake of a proper climax to the story, I’d like to say something exciting happened, but I’d be lying. Right after that, I got two more little jobs. A friend wanted a computer lesson and another wanted help getting groceries and sorting things at her house. Together, that made the $100. And after than, I got two more little jobs. And tomorrow I have another one. And it just keeps coming.

On second look, there’s more good to see.

Recently I had a job in a law firm for about a month. It was in the most prestigious and refined location I’d ever worked, and at the best pay I’d made in several years. So to quit that job soon after getting it was a surprise and a letdown. My reasons for leaving had more to do with a situation outside the firm itself. There were good reasons behind my leaving and I stand by my decision to do so.

But the suddenness of my departure left me reeling. I felt a bit awkward and embarrassed. I basically wrote off the whole experience, didn’t really talk about it with my friends, and didn’t even want to include the job on my resume -- just get on with something else as quickly as possible.

Then I read Travis’s blog “Life is not a straight line” http://www.spiritonthejob.com/content/view/208/30/ and it reminded me that there are no "throw-away" events in my life. Everything does have value. So I needed to look back at that experience, and redeem it somehow.

I started by remembering I had a lot to be grateful for about it. After all, I did have a pretty good time there. I met some super people and got to contribute to the very valuable work of the attorneys, their secretaries and paralegals. I found out how really generous, gracious and interesting the ones I got to know were. And I was able to share some spiritual comfort with one fellow-worker whose mother had to be admitted to a hospital unexpectedly.

Additionally many times each day, I got to turn my thoughts toward some challenging work situation, affirming silently God’s constant love and care for everyone in the situation. I got to see it improve before my eyes.

More than anything else, I was struck with the fact that everyone was so very nice there. This totally blew away a previously unacknowledged prejudice I’d been harboring that attorneys and their secretaries had to be stuffy and stiff, and intimidating to me. But these were genuinely warm, loving people -- a very pleasant surprise.

But I was not surprised at all to hear that almost all of them were very spiritually-minded people, each actively involved in their own spiritual lives and encouraging their families and each other to develop and live their own spirituality. No one there shared my specific religious background but it didn’t matter. No religious matters were discussed, debated, or even mentioned on the job, but they quietly went about their business expressing the divine qualities of wisdom, grace and soul they privately nurtured. I’m sure this was what made for such a palpably soul-filled work atmosphere.

I got the benefit of being part of that special place, contributing my spirituality to the mix. I wish my fellow-workers all the best, and am now ready to take another step forward on my spiritual journey.

I’m glad I took this second look. This time saw more good.